Circles
by Roses-Fade
Summary: He tore me apart a little more each day. We were both monsters and maybe that's why we fell in love. Jasper/Bella Oneshot. Companion to Beautiful ugly, heartbreakingly lovely. BPOV


**Story name: Circles**

**Author: Roses-fade**

**Pairing: Jasper/Bella**

**Disclaimer: The characters belong to Stephanie Meyer**

**A/N: This is Bella's point of view of Beautiful ugly, heartbreakingly lovely. Hope you enjoy it.**

**Summary: He tore me apart a little more each day. We were both monsters and maybe that's why we fell in love. Jasper/Bella Oneshot. Companion to Beautiful ugly, heartbreakingly lovely.**

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_It was destined to be this way from the start. There were too many things working against us and even if I continued the affair all it would result in is more hurt, more pain. How many times can a heart be broken before it's shattered beyond any hope of repair? This moment was inevitable and the only one who had any hope of stopping it was him…_

Life. It was all around me and yet I was surrounded by death. It was too beautiful to stand and I was too much of a coward to let it all go; until now. Here in this room with empty breaths and only the beating of my stupid heart. I hated them all, with their stupid pretenses. I wasn't always like this; once upon a time I had a heart that had barely known pain. I wanted to escape from it all; run so far away that no one –especially him- could ever catch up and for once in my miserable life I was going to go through with it. I would be content with this decision as long as I could keep my memories of him.

The moment I saw him my life changed. He was sitting in the corner of the cafeteria with his family; they were all heart-stopping lovely but he was the only one that really caught my eye. He had messy white blonde hair that caught the light causing it to change to a pale gold. His pale skin subtly sparkled in an intriguing way. From this angle I could only see his back but even that was good; his muscles were taught and they rippled as he stretched lightly. I licked my lips and then he turned around and I lost my breath. His face was that of a fallen angel, sculpted and perfect with a hard jaw and full perfect lips. His eyes were a bright dark gold with odd black and red flecks swirling through their depths. They caught mine and I found that I couldn't look away. He had a smug smile gracing his too beautiful face and he gazed at me with a fiery intensity. He looked dangerous and for once I wanted to play with fire. Suddenly he winked at me and I blushed embarrassed before turning away but not before I saw the pixie goddess that kissed his face. He belonged to someone else so I took second best; his bronze haired brother.

The months flew by and I learned the Cullen's secret; they were vampires. I wasn't scared in fact I was elated; here was the opportunity for me to really belong to something not to mention that as a vampire I would have forever to try and woo Jasper. Not that I didn't love Edward, I did in a way but something about Jasper called to me. He was dark, dangerous and I couldn't resist trying to find out what made him tick. Once on my birthday he tried to kill me, I wouldn't have fought him if he had been able to reach me. I wanted him to put his lips on me even if it meant my death. I'd die happy if he was the one to kill me. They all left though after that night and part of me died. I had a whole family one day and the next nothing. Edward dumped me and left me in a forest and I followed after him getting lost. It wasn't him that I was going to miss though; I didn't want to live in a world without Jasper. While I didn't love him, I did have a fascination with him that bordered obsession. Edward was too controlling and I couldn't handle it. I was weak minded and I hated myself; being controlled by him like some puppet only made me hate myself more. Edward was also too perfect; I had thought they were all perfect like that but Jasper was different. He had little quirks that made him imperfect like me. His smile was crooked, he had a chipped tooth, his hair was a disaster, his eyes had a slight stain of red to them from living off of humans for so long and he was covered from head to toe in scars. It took forever for me to recover from the abandonment and my heart had another piece chipped away for good. I had a patch put over the hole when I met Jacob and the wolves. Once again I settled for second best. Eventually the all came back though, after I saved the life of Edward. I was ecstatic when they returned because it meant seeing Jasper again. He seemed interested in me too but that was probably my overactive imagination. He would stare at me with a calculating expression in his eyes as if trying to figure me out. I couldn't be fully figured out though, not by him; not by anyone. My mind was locked to Edward and my future shifted so much that Alice couldn't get a lock on me. It was almost like I was already dead except for the fact that Jasper could read my emotions. I was however emotionally stunted; crippled by self loathing. It's hard to feel beautiful when you're constantly surrounded by perfection.

_His kiss was like an icy death; I had no hope of ever surviving…_

The first time Jasper kissed me began like a regular day in the Cullen household. Edward was holding on to me possessively and prattling on about how soon he would return to me and how much he loved me. I wish he would stay gone forever so that I could spend as much time as I wanted with Jasper. The thought brought a wave of guilt over me and I thought angrily about what a horrible person I was. Pretending to be in love with him only so that I could be near Jasper. I glanced over at the crush in question only to see that he was looking at me. He must've known I had a crush on him, he also must've known about how I felt about Edward. I glanced away again embarrassed by the fact that when it came to Jasper I really couldn't hide. Edward kissed me and it took everything in my power not to shudder away, I wasn't disgusted with him, I was more disgusted with myself. I was horrible and he deserved far better than me. Edward left then and I stared blankly at my feet lost in thoughts that never fully formed.

I heard someone clear their throat and I whipped around to see Jasper still standing where he had been before. He was looking good today in a frayed sweater and distressed jeans that hung low on his hips. His hair was damp and he had his usual amused smile in place. I was surprised I wasn't panting at the sight of him. He wouldn't want me anyways even if there were no Alice and no Edward standing in between us. I was just a plain, clumsy human after all.

"Oh, hi Jasper" I stuttered out dazzled by him.

"Bella" His accent was thicker and his voice hoarse. It sent a shiver of pleasure down my spine.

He turned to go and I felt saddened by his departure. I didn't have the balls to really seduce him and even if I did he had Alice. Suddenly he was in front of me leaning in; I caught a scent on the air like campfire and sandalwood and I realized that was what he smelled like. I wanted to smell more of him so I inhaled deeply letting it clog my senses. He reached out and touched my face and I almost moaned at the contact. His skin was freezing but at the same time I was burning.

I began to ask him what he was doing but I was cut off by his lips on mine. He didn't kiss like Edward; he was a little rougher, wilder. His hands tangled in my hair possessively and I wondered about how kissing something with the texture of diamond could feel so good. My heart was pounding in my chest and I was trapped in a wave of lust. He growled softly and it rumbled through him and into me. That was it, no more thinking for me. I had never been so turned on in my life. I grabbed at his hair and exhaled on a moan. He broke away from my lips and kissed up my jaw until he reached my ear. His cool breath fanned across my face and I shivered.

"You're beautiful" he whispered.

Then he was gone and I was left alone, trembling with need and want. I wanted to go find him but I was too much of a coward. I couldn't face rejection, besides he probably only kissed me because he sensed my feelings and wanted to make me feel better. God I'm pathetic, I can't even make myself feel better. He wasn't mine but, he was the star in all my dreams regardless.

_Things happened quickly after that. With him I felt better and yet worse than I had ever felt before. He tore my guts up and then would stitch them back together. He was everything to me._

What started out as an unhealthy fascination soon blossomed into the beginning of love. I watched him constantly and craved his company something fierce. At the same time I wished for him to just run away and never come back. He always made me second guess myself and I always wondered what it was he really wanted with me? He was cruel and yet sometimes he was tender. Around Edward and Alice we had to pretend to be friends only but really I wanted to break the façade and just take Jaspers hand and run somewhere never looking back. If Jasper and Alice touched each other I would be consumed with jealousy and I hated when Edward put his hands on me. After that first kiss with Jasper, nothing compared.

He'd steal me away at nights and bring me to a secluded cabin by a crystal clear lake. There was a field filled with long grass that I loved to star gaze in. These nights were usually my favorite times with Jasper. He was loving and attentive and all the stress that was on his shoulders would just leave for a time. We would laugh and smile and kiss and tell each other everything. I wished Alice would see or Edward would hear something so that the pretending would be over and everyday could be like those days. I started to tell Jasper I loved him hoping to hear it back at least once. He never returned the sentiment but sometimes there'd be something in his eyes; something that I couldn't quite figure out. It wasn't enough though. Sometimes second best doesn't quite settle. He wasn't the nicest but I couldn't keep away.

_Second best can't always be enough. Not even if you're madly in love; pieces of your heart should go to people who deserve them. Things began to change, I began to change and change sometimes means the end._

Some nights after making love passionately Jasper would hold me and let me trace his scars. I had a favorite one; it was large and gross and marred his neck. That scar was the one I loved. I would run my fingers along it and then along the other ones that marked his body. Jasper was self conscious about his scars; I wished he wouldn't be because they made him who he was. Without them he'd be somebody completely different. One night in particular he decided to talk to me about it.

"Why do you like them so much? They don't disgust you?" his tone was puzzled.

I thought about it for a moment before answering.

"They make you imperfect like me; I'm growing so tired of perfect. They could never disgust me because they're a part of you." I said.

It was true, the end of my human days was coming and soon I'd join the ranks of the perfect. I didn't want to be like the others. For vampires they were weak, trying to lock away their true nature. Jasper only did it for Alice. When I became a vampire I wouldn't try to be something I wasn't. I was doing that enough already and I would also find someway to make myself less perfect.

Jasper began to purr and I snuggled closer to his hard body. He was a frozen landscape and he barely had a heart but I enjoyed his desolateness. It made me feel better about myself. We were two broken characters in a play where nothing made sense. I was slowly dying but he numbed the pain.

I was slowly falling asleep and I threaded my legs with Jaspers trying desperately to be as close to him as possible. My whole life I was always a step behind everyone and I was scared that eventually I wouldn't catch up. Words and thoughts raced through my mind and I found myself singing words to a song that I'd never heard before.

"Maybe I'm brainless, definitely not wise but I know you're not like other guys. You make me laugh, you make me cry. I'm growing tired of this chase. We're going in circles…" The words lulled me into a peaceful sleep where I dream of him.

_**It was night and the silence was overwhelming. I was alone and yet not alone in a forest made of bones. I stumbled through quickly looking for something but I wasn't sure what it was I was looking for. I ran faster until I reached a lake made of blood. It shimmered faintly in the moonlight and I glided over to the shore. I kneeled down and looked into its depths. A face stared back at me just under the surface; it was Jasper. His eyes were closed and he didn't seem to notice my presence. I had a sudden thought that he was dead; I screamed loudly but he didn't even stir. I reached out to touch him and my hand encountered a hard substance. The blood was frozen. I pounded on the lake not even making a crack and then suddenly I flung myself into it; crashing through the thin surface and being dragged under. Nothing mattered to me but saving him. I swam through the thick liquid looking for Jasper and realized he wasn't here, never had been. I tried to get out but I couldn't hands were all over me dragging me deeper and deeper. I tried to scream for help but slowly started to drown. I needed to save myself but I couldn't and as my mind slowly went blank I realized it was easier to stop fighting and to just let go. My only regret was not seeing Jasper one last time. **_

Suddenly I woke up realizing that I was in my own bed at home, as my eyes adjusted I saw Jasper. He was turning to go –always leaving- and I reached out to grab his diamond wrist. I was about to tell him once again how I felt about him. I was scared that this time he would be gone forever. I hated myself for being such a pathetic creature; how could anyone love me when I couldn't love myself?

"Jasper, I love you" I said wishing as hard as I could for this time to be different. There was a slight hesitation before he responded.

"Isa you're lovely" was what he said as he stared into my eyes. I tried to hide the pain I was in but he saw. He enjoyed my suffering in his own way. He left, like always.

I sobbed into my hands and felt that horrible hole threatening to take over me. I was afraid of myself. I couldn't let my emotions win so I would try to hide them. I would let anger rule my life and put a stone barrier up against my heart. I would try to survive this; I would try to be strong. For him and for myself. He wasn't my other half but I wished for him to be.

_I was slowly losing this battle and we both knew it. He didn't care and I would do anything to keep him with me._

I made him angry and I liked it. I liked how the monster inside him was barely caged. I was playing with fire and to my surprise I didn't care if I got burned. In fact I would welcome the burn. He was growling at me; I had said something that hurt him. Good, he deserved to be hurt. I don't know where this rage and anger came from but it was constantly fueling me. When it ran out though I didn't know what would happen. I wanted to rip his heart apart like he had been doing to mine. But that was impossible because he didn't love me so hurting him that much was an impossible task. I would find a way though; one day he would be hurt so bad that it would be impossible to recover. I loved him and yet I hated him so much that I wasn't sure which way to go. Today the love won out and I glided towards him. His eyes were watching me with predator interest and I smiled before I kissed him. I never told him that I loved him anymore. He didn't deserve my love but he still had it anyways. He wasn't for me but I couldn't seem to keep away.

_The end was approaching, all I needed to do was somehow say goodbye._

I had a plan and now I needed the resolve to go through with it. He didn't know it but the choice was up to him. All I needed was a few more memories of him to take with me and a goodbye.

Today was the day that I would join the ranks of the Cullen's. They would be creating a monster but they didn't know it yet. I let the anger leak away and brought back my self-loathing. I couldn't stay angry forever and I wanted to be myself for my last day as a human.

Jasper stole me away for one last evening together at his cabin. He became the tender Jasper but it was almost too late. We danced together in a field of wild flowers at twilight and when night had fallen we star gazed. I wrapped my hand in his and let silence rule the night. I was just so tired of noise. I was searching for words to say but kept coming up blank. Finally as I gazed into his eyes I came up with a way to say goodbye.

"Jasper, you know I love you right?" I whispered. This would be it; I was leaving my fate in his hands.

He nodded and closed his eyes half way as I stroked my favorite scar. He suddenly grabbed me and kissed me wildly. It was like he was trying to tell me something. I kissed him back just as fiercely; I would take this memory with me.

"I hope you remember that forever" I told him, meaning the part about my feelings.

"Of course I will. You're stunning" he said softly.

It was always the same with him, I'd take a step forward and he'd take two back. I was drowning in my emotions and he wouldn't even help. I'd rather him just lie and say the words back so that I would feel better. My heart was shattered like glass. Scattered in pieces everywhere; almost all the pieces were his fault. He took an ice pick and slowly chipped away and now there was nothing left. I shouldn't have let the hate go, it was protecting what little sanity I had left. Now there was nothing and I was empty. Drowning and wishing for everything to just be numb. I had nothing left to lose so I asked the question that I desperately wanted the answer too.

"Why don't you love me?" My voice was steady.

"You're not Alice" There was a slight hesitation to words that caused me to freeze completely.

I just nodded letting go of everything. It barely even hurt; I had nothing left to give. I was numb, the walking dead now.

"Why does this feel like goodbye?" He asked suddenly. I though I heard a hint of fear in his voice. Good he should be scared, this really is his goodbye.

"Everyday is another goodbye. I'm tired of imperfect and yet I'm scared of becoming perfect. I'm just weary Jasper. Growing desolate in the whole world's charade." I said the words but couldn't really feel the meaning behind them.

"I… I'm sorry" he replied.

I wanted to laugh at him. He was sorry? No he wasn't, he couldn't be sorry and I didn't want his pity anyways. I closed my eyes and turned away so I wouldn't have to look at his face anymore. I didn't want to start hurting again. I began to sing letting the melody carry me far away.

"Running in circles as fast as we can. Finished the race and we're starting again; I can't start again. So I'll run far as fast as I can. You're chasing me, I'm done chasing you. This will be the end." My voice was lilting as I sang. The words were true; I was done, with everything. He wasn't mine and I was done trying to make him love me.

_It was time for the end. I was going to run as far away as I could. This was going to hurt a lot of people but I didn't care. I wasn't perfect and I didn't want to be. I was a monster and it was time to put me to sleep._

Everyone said their goodbyes to me and I pretended to listen. I stared blankly not looking at anyone until it was his turn. He was as beautiful to me right now as he was the first time we met. His hair failing across his face and his eyes locked with mine. He lifted his lips into a crooked pirate smile that caused the breath to be knocked from my lungs. I gazed at him and stupidly told him once again that I loved him. I wanted him to say it back with every fiber of my being; to save me. He didn't say it; he only called me beautiful. So watching his face closely I mumbled goodbye, his eyes widened slightly but it was too late to do anything was it; I was going to go through with my plan. I was tired of being happy with second best. I wanted to be first for something! I settled for Edward when I wanted Jasper, I settled for wolves when I wanted vampires, I settled for second place in Jaspers heart when I wanted to be loved unconditionally; but no more, I couldn't bear it. I wanted to die and so I would. I let the black hole swallow me up and let the numbness take over me. I lost the battle and it was time to face the music.

Carlisle bit me and at first I barely felt it but as the venom began to rush through my veins with every beat of my heart I began to feel the pain. I was burning and dying and I just wanted it all to stop. My life was full of pain and heartbreak and I was sick of it. It was time to end it now. It took hours before I began to win the battle against the venom. My heart which had been racing before had pretty much stopped now. My throat was torn from my screams of agony but I could barely feel it and so soon I stopped. I could feel nothing now.

My blood started to trickle from my nose as my veins began to explode. My heart sped up quickly again so fast that it burned. I had no control over my body as I arched up off the bed and a howl burst past my lips. I could feel thick tears pouring from my eyes and I knew that they too were made of blood. This was it; I could feel it but I needed to see his face one more time. My eyes flew open and I saw him; standing there with a face showing no emotion. He was my fallen angel and while I was insane with agony I spoke my last words, a twisted smile marring my face.

"You're beautiful ugly yet heartbreakingly lovely" Those words described him perfectly. He was both fair and foul. A beautiful face with an ugly soul.

The world began to dim and I saw him open his mouth to speak with pain written on his face. I could no longer hear anything though and the scene was painted in quickly darkening shades of grey. My heart –and the rest of my veins and arteries- exploded and I'd never felt anything so painful ever. My heart was now broken literally and figuratively. And in those last few moments while I was still alive the last image I saw was the heartbreak painted on his face that finally matched with mine. And then I died, for good.

_I didn't think it would be so painful. I hated myself for that fraction of the second when I still could. I hurt him as much as he'd hurt me but instead of bringing me joy it brought pain. Why was my life always pain?_

I didn't quite fade away like I'd thought. There was unfinished business to be finished. I trailed Jasper as something like a ghost. When I saw what he was going to do I panicked and did the only thing I could and sent Alice a vision. She'd be too late though and there was nothing I could do now. I killed him; my fault.

The fire was blazing out of control and he had a calm expression on his face. He whispered the nickname he came up with before yelling the words I'd longed to hear when I was alive.

"I love you!"

I swirled like the wind around my favorite scar crying and keening hoping he could hear me.

"_Oh, Beautiful ugly, I'd hoped you'd loved me." _I cried.

He sang the words to my song and I listened wishing he could really hear me. I screamed stop and pounded him with ghostly fists but there was nothing I could do.

"Running in circles, you're chasing me; while I chase you. I'll never let you run away so I'll follow after you as fast as you ran. I won't let this be the end." His voice was rough and he smelled like campfire and sandalwood.

I held his hand while he stepped into the fire taking away the pain. I wrapped around him and cried as his body turned into purple smoke and white ash.

His hand started to become solid in mine as he became like me but with my business finished I disappeared to some place before I could see him. It wasn't fair and I wished for a second chance. I wanted to go back and time and just change everything but this wasn't a game and life gets no second chances. I just hoped that I'd find him again someday.

Jasper wasn't for me but it didn't matter because I loved him and he loved me.

_I would do it all over again, take the pain and heart ache if it meant being by his side. This story was over but there were many other ones to begin. I watched the world my whole life and came to the conclusion that there are no happy endings only new beginnings. Being with Jasper was like freezing to death and burning at the same time. He showed me heaven and hell and taught me that love is pain. And if it's true love then you will take that pain. I only wished I'd known that before it had been too late._

**_is this the life that you lead,  
or the life that's lead for you?  
will you take the road that's been laid out before you?  
will we cross paths somewhere else tonight?  
somewhere else tonight..._**

**_-Paper wings;; Rise against_**


End file.
